Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Making yourself

Not so long ago, when I was struggling with a pretty heavy depressive episode, I came up with the idea that we make ourselves who we are. At first this seems pretty far-fetched, considering that I suffer from a genetic chemical imbalance that puts me into my depressions. But really, even now this still holds true. The more I learn about myself, the better I control the effects of depression, the more I can live my life, the more I become the person I want. I have always shied away from using drugs to control my depression because they also make me into a different person. I don't judge anyone else for using drugs, illegal or otherwise; this is simply the choice I make for myself. It strikes me as funny how much effort we'll spend to craft ourselves into what looks good and just leave ourselves morally bankrupt and self-centered. Money is increasingly becoming the focus of our lives instead of harmony.
Many people think spirituality is something you get from church. Truly, it should be something you already have and cultivate and bring to church. It bugs me how many people think that athiests and agnostics are immoral. I left the church due to the hypocrisy and flaunting of who is closer to God, who was wearing what, etc. I mean seriously, these are the same people reading in the Bible about how Jesus washed the feet of his disciples as they argued who would sit at the right hand of God...how can they not see that they do the same things?
For me, it would absurd to think that someone else (such as a church) understands my relationship with God/Allah/the Goddess better than I do. The world is my church. Every day that I stop and look around me and feel lucky to be alive, to experience the wonder and the absurdity that is the world, that's my worship. I don't think there is a religion for people like me simply because we would all gather around, talk and laugh with each other, and walk away feeling the same satisfaction we feel every day.
The music of Eric Whitacre is something amazing - if you ever get a chance to hear a choir sing it live, it is a treat. He has a composition based on an e e cummings poem named "i thank you god for this most amazing day." Although I have yet to hear it, I think about that title a lot as I drive along and notice the mountains, or see the sunset, or stand in my yard and listen to the trees and smell the grass. I am grateful for the days I get, and the chances I get to make myself into a better person.

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