Friday, December 7, 2007

Make it stop!

2007 has been a hell of a year, if I say so myself. I've been to the doctor more this year than I believe in all previous years put together. It's funny how when your health is gone it becomes the focus of your life. I understand older people now and why they tell you about their sicknesses when you talk to them. It's because it becomes so fucking important...I mean, what's more pressing than the fact that your life, the very existence you live and breathe, is not so permanent anymore?
It's caused me to have a new perspective - my body and I are no longer the same thing. I don't think a "soul" or consciousness can exist without the body and vice-versa, but they are no longer the same object. I burned my hand pretty badly at Thanksgiving and it was literally an experience of "What did I just do?" rather than "Ow, I burned myself." It's like playing an instrument; my body is now a tool of my expression rather than the sum of my being.
I'm sure all this sounds crazy. Hell, it doesn't make a great deal of sense to me, either. I just know that after being sick for months, it has divorced me from thinking that I am this matter, these carbon-based cells.
On a side note, I discovered the blog Violent Acres ( about a month ago and read through her posts. It made me realize that a lot of my life has been very sheltered. It fascinates me to read about someone who has had such a different experience. I don't always agree with her, but her posts are entertaining, thought-provoking, and honest. She has a lot of personal demons, and I respect the hell out of someone who isn't afraid to admit to them and, most of all, doesn't care what you think.
Wouldn't that be refreshing to really not care what others think about you? I have only journeyed down this road a bit; I'm the oddball at work, the person who gets the job done but doesn't hang out with too many people outside of the job...but I get stuck on the little things, like trying to be helpful to people I know are assholes, and watching the noise level as not to disrupt the neighbors. Maybe these things are good and maybe you wish your neighbors would shut the hell up from time to time (I do!), but I think at the same time life might just be more rewarding if, when you decided to sing Shakira at the top of your lungs despite the fact that your neighbor's window is right there like mine is, you didn't have to stop and think about the consequences.