Work and Fear

I'm about to head into a lot of work. Coming from me, that's no small statement. While I tend to whine more than the men I know in my life, it doesn't diminish my capacity to work hard for a long time. As we speak, I'm on my 11th day in a row of working (as in 58 hours last week) and I have a major exam to take this weekend. I think if I were to be measured against laziness, I would at least come out on the positive side.
The main difference is that this work is uncertain. I've not done a lot of uncertain things in my life; in fact, that's where I tend to quail the most and find excuses not to do it. But this is unavoidable, and must be done, and I must find a way to do it. It's my Master's Project, after all.
The thing that strikes me the most is how much possibility it opens up. I'd forgotten the freedom of not telling myself no all the time. It might be a disappointment, but it just might be wonderful, too.

My charge to you, my nonexistent readers - go out and do something that you don't think is possible. I need company in this, for me, uncharted expanse.

Indiana Jones is dead

An icon is dead...yes, it's true. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. has died a horrible and merciless death at the hands of the money-grubbing Evil Elf and the Spielberg doppelganger. Gone are the days when Indiana Jones sought treasure to help mankind, or knew the wisdom of leaving powers that are beyond you alone...no, in his latest adventure he retrieves the treasure and gets...married. Yes, that's what he gets out of it. Of course I get the heavy handed "knowledge is important, knowledge to cherish the one you've always loved" idea behind the script, but by the time it made it to the screen it had been puked on so many times and rolled in money that I don't think it shined the way it was originally intended. Oh, and Shia LeBouf swings through the trees like Tarzan.
I can't say enough bad things about this movie. To know that they spent ten years on this script and this is what they came up with is just agonizing. Indy talks too much. The plot is terrible. I mean.....aliens? Aliens, for god's sake? And for anyone who thinks I'm giving something away, I'm not. The movie starts out with an alien body in a crate in Area 51. You think it's going to be cool, you think they're rewarding you for knowing that the Ark is in a crate but no...it's a f*cking alien. Sure, you see the Ark for one shining second....and then you're out rolling around in a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION in a goddamn Frigidaire. Did I mention the gophers?
Everything about this movie reeks except for the chance to see Marion in action again, and even that isn't as fun as it could be. Here's a tip to make it better: STOP MAKING HIM TALK SO MUCH! I swear Indiana Jones turned into my grandmother in between these movies - I'm surprised he doesn't go on about what he had for lunch at some point. Speaking of time in between the movies, did they talk enough about crap you're never going to get to see and people you'll never know? It's like they're planning to fill in those movies later when the Evil Elf perfects his digital technology and they can make a younger Harrison Ford act through a computer. Also, you can't fire someone with tenure - that's the whole point of tenure!

I writhed in agony during this movie. Indiana Jones was my dream man. I used to play like I was him in the backyard growing up. Thanks, Evil Elf, for taking a huge shit on my childhood dreams. And if you put "I've got a bad feeling about this" into one more movie, I swear I will find you and punch you in the face.

Fucking pathetic

I wrote a long letter to my ex this morning and I couldn't send it because of how pathetic it seemed to me. Why are you hurting me, change please -- I mean, good god. If he was any kind of man he would do it on his own. Why does he need a fucking letter to remind him to be a good person and have some goddamn compassion?
That's what 10 years gets you, ladies and gentlemen. A pathetic whining mass who has plenty to get done but takes an hour to write a letter that's absolutely useless. Problem is, I don't know how to let go. I've honestly tried. Problem is that I don't know how to fill the gaping void he leaves in my life. He's more than just a romantic interest - he's a mentor and a role-model (at least professionally) and is the smartest man I know. I wish I could keep those parts and discard the romantic interest, but all of those things wrap up together for a truly wonderful experience. So what brought the trouble to Paradise then, you ask? Simple - he's a cheater. A big liar. An egomaniac who can't make decisions based on anything but his own wants and needs. Right now he's living with his ex (not me - the one he cheated on me with) so that he can save money. He was supposed to move out in January - he's still there and it's almost May. And yet somehow I'm supposed to believe that he cares about me and still loves me? Sad part is that I try really hard to believe it because it's what I want more than anything - to have that wonderful experience all the time.
When I was younger I had a best friend we'll call M. M and I had some pretty strange things happen to us, some of which I can't explain to this day, but the whole time I wondered if it was a lie. Eventually, growing up led to us parting ways - she moved on and I didn't. It strained our relationship to the breaking point because I still wanted the wonder. I think she got tired of it, maybe she got tired of me. The point of this is that I tend to fall in with people who lie to me, or at least put themselves in less than credible situations, and I believe them. Then once they're done they try to move on and I'm still stuck. Or in this case they keep stringing me along and I can't break free.
I'm beginning to wonder if real life will ever hold the joy for me that I want it to have. Everything hurts right now. I feel like a teenager all over again, powerless to change the things in my life that make me unhappy.
I can't think of any snappy lines or good sentences to end this post. You'll just have to go on without it.

Writing again - woo!

You might think I mean here, but instead I'm talking about the long set of stories that I haven't finished and have never published. I counted up the words the other day and I actually have enough for almost two novels, with a third one by the time I fill in all the gaps, finish the current storyline, etc. There's a lot that's happened with the character (I've been writing these since I was 13 or so) and a lot that needs to be cleaned up and rewritten (again with the 13-year-old) I almost don't want to go back and change all the old stuff even though it's pretty embarrassing how immature the writing was. It's almost cute - I'll never be that naive again, at least on the topics I write about. I worry that my work won't really have an audience - it's almost like a written-out comic book, and about that level of sophistication...well, Frank Miller level of sophistication maybe, with aspirations towards Alan Moore. It's got sex that's not whitewashed or described in such appalling terms as "manhood" and "honey pot" and a lot of violence. A lot of violence. There is a quote by Oscar Wilde that says "in every first novel the hero is the author as Christ or Faust" and I think I've managed to make my hero into both. I've also got another set of stories in the works that I'm up to 8 parts on, another 2 stories that are in development and an idea for 2 more that never have gelled at this point but sometime in the future will turn into stories.
Wow, if I keep this up, I might actually be an author one day. Although I must relate a tidbit that I find amusing. Fuzzy and I were sitting around on the couch and I was grousing about a parking ticket that I got and how I needed to make more money.
Me - "I need to find a way to make money that doesn't take up anymore time."
Fuzzy - "You could sell a couple of stories."
Me - "..."

Sometimes the obvious is the hardest to grasp on your own. That's why you need good friends. Thanks to all my good friends who have supported me on this. Maybe one day I'll be more than just a hobbyist with a penchant for dialogue.

The Drugs Like me.....

Things have been better since I was put on medication. I'm pretty sure I'd be non-functional by now by the way that I feel now. Unfortunately, now I have reasons for it. My oldest friend Dr. Jones and I are in the middle of some strange power struggle, where on one hand he has his extraordinary busy life and living situation and on the other hand there is ...well, me. He's stopped answering his phone around some people, and to me that's just insulting. It would be different if he were to call back later, or answer sometimes around that person but not other times. Nope, a consistent shut out with no regard for my feelings or even my understanding.
I get the feeling I'm being lied to. Again. It's the worst feeling in the world to think that the person you trust the most doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. Things just aren't adding up though.
Bitterness is like wasp stings - it adds up until the entire skin is painful and you go into shock.
It makes me sad to know that it has come to this.

I don't write very much

If I wrote more often, perhaps maybe there would be an audience for this blog instead of me talking and ranting to myself. It's okay, though; I've been through a lot lately.
Depression is the mind-killer. I don't have depression where my life sucks and I think everything is worthless - I have the kind where my brain decides to throw a switch and stop producing chemicals I need. I stop sleeping well. Eventually this wears on me and I get irritable and anxious. This in turn wears away on the chemical production in my head - just like sleep deprivation - and I start to withdraw. I'm not the most outgoing person to begin with, but I am friendly...until I get depressed. Then I don't want to talk to anyone. Work is hard to get to on time. Every responsibility drags down on me until I feel like the only things I can manage are going to work and breathing. I stop eating properly. I don't do my homework.
I'm sure this list is boring to everyone else, but this is what you would get if I was blogging for the past three months. I go to a doctor tomorrow, but I don't expect a miracle cure. I've been on four different medications, each one cruel and worse than the depression. I don't think we should mess with our brain's chemicals lightly - but at this point I have to go if for no other reason because I cannot make decisions right now and people close to me think I should go.
At any rate, I wish all of my nonexistant readers well. May you never go through this.

Political rant

Holy shit...I just got done reading an article about something that Bill Clinton said - the way they spun it, you'd think he was tearing the heads off of reporters - and the comments underneath were outrageous. I mean, are we actually allowing people who make comments about "Bill needs to stop lying hurr hurr" to vote for President? I can't relay to you the depth of things that didn't matter that were being brought up on the messages below; Obama playing the "race" card, Bill being president again; entitlement, lying - I mean, this list is even more coherent than the actual comments were. I think the thing that really got me was that some loser posted a comment to the effect of "I'm starting to see what the Republicans were talking about...I'm voting Republican"
BLACK AND WHITE ARE NOT THE ONLY COLORS, PEOPLE!
Just because one party points out a valid fault doesn't mean that they're right about everything else. Yes, Republicans have a lot of good ideas - if they didn't, there wouldn't be a Republican party because no one would vote Republican. You don't see anyone from NAMBLA running for President and getting votes, do you?
America has got to get over the duality - we need a third party. Bring back the Whigs! Put some Torries in our government. Give people a different perspective. Too bad Nader can't get a real campaign going...I mean, like mainstream.
The other thing that bothered me about the comments of our nation's voters was just how much they brought up the Clinton's "lying liarly lies" as if the current administration was any different. Hello? War crimes? Our entire Presidential Cabinet could be brought up on war crime tribunals in the Hague if any other country really had the guts to prosecute. It's like GW is a nonentity to everyone - NO! You fuckers voted for him - you should be reaping the absolute humiliation of propagating genocide and corporate greed. It's your fucking fault...none of this bringing up Monica and Watergate - a white stain and a sham marriage is nothing compared to an endless war that is taking away any prosperity our economy has and slamming us into recession. Canada has a better currency than we do right now...WTF!? How do you sleep at night, America? Your off-base comments and five-second span of attention are symptoms of a deeper pathology...you don't care! You still have a home, and a big fucking gas guzzler of a car, and can dispose of anything you wish because it will be magically carted away - you're only going to wake up from your apathy when its too late, when the environment is ruined, when you're broke and desperate, when India and China have taken away all the professional jobs and America is left with an overeducated team of McDonald's workers.
All I ask is this; pay some goddamn attention to the real world. Not just the news, because the news lies. Look around you, watch how people operate, listen to the debates, listen to Al Jazeera, listen to everything AND THINK! The only thing that's constant in this world are people. Become a good judge of people and everything else will be easier. Pay attention to something other than what party lines are, who wore what, who prays to who. Stop being led around by your religion; it belongs in your heart, not prostituted out on the corner. Stop letting them do that to you, faithful people! The measure of a man is his actions, not a seat in a pew. Stop confusing morality and status.
The only thing that can be worse than this president is if you people vote in another quasi-religious nutjob who'll screw over the constitution and the country for a profit. Democrat or Republican. NO MORE APATHY!