Sunday, June 1, 2008

Indiana Jones is dead

An icon is dead...yes, it's true. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. has died a horrible and merciless death at the hands of the money-grubbing Evil Elf and the Spielberg doppelganger. Gone are the days when Indiana Jones sought treasure to help mankind, or knew the wisdom of leaving powers that are beyond you, in his latest adventure he retrieves the treasure and gets...married. Yes, that's what he gets out of it. Of course I get the heavy handed "knowledge is important, knowledge to cherish the one you've always loved" idea behind the script, but by the time it made it to the screen it had been puked on so many times and rolled in money that I don't think it shined the way it was originally intended. Oh, and Shia LeBouf swings through the trees like Tarzan.
I can't say enough bad things about this movie. To know that they spent ten years on this script and this is what they came up with is just agonizing. Indy talks too much. The plot is terrible. I mean.....aliens? Aliens, for god's sake? And for anyone who thinks I'm giving something away, I'm not. The movie starts out with an alien body in a crate in Area 51. You think it's going to be cool, you think they're rewarding you for knowing that the Ark is in a crate but's a f*cking alien. Sure, you see the Ark for one shining second....and then you're out rolling around in a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION in a goddamn Frigidaire. Did I mention the gophers?
Everything about this movie reeks except for the chance to see Marion in action again, and even that isn't as fun as it could be. Here's a tip to make it better: STOP MAKING HIM TALK SO MUCH! I swear Indiana Jones turned into my grandmother in between these movies - I'm surprised he doesn't go on about what he had for lunch at some point. Speaking of time in between the movies, did they talk enough about crap you're never going to get to see and people you'll never know? It's like they're planning to fill in those movies later when the Evil Elf perfects his digital technology and they can make a younger Harrison Ford act through a computer. Also, you can't fire someone with tenure - that's the whole point of tenure!

I writhed in agony during this movie. Indiana Jones was my dream man. I used to play like I was him in the backyard growing up. Thanks, Evil Elf, for taking a huge shit on my childhood dreams. And if you put "I've got a bad feeling about this" into one more movie, I swear I will find you and punch you in the face.

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