I'm not a very nostalgic person. I remember things about the past but they seem distant, like they never really belonged to me. Sure, I went to high school, but I'm not that person anymore. I was in a relationship for 10 years, but I'm not that person anymore either. I have this increasingly long continuity of memories that add together but aren't quite the sum of their parts. It's incredibly frustrating how fragmenting depression can be. I've been working on controlling it for as long as I've known the word, yet all I seem to do is make myself into different versions of myself like combinations to a padlock I can't open yet. I've given up thinking there's a solution. For me, there is only coping every winter and trying to remember all the tricks that worked from the last time to keep me from losing my job, killing my relationships, and getting suicidal. It's not easy, especially since depression both impairs memory and concentration.
My mind is a mess. Since this blog is degenerating into me complaining about my life and not focusing on putting my thoughts out there, I'll sign off for now.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Blog lockdown
I'd like to "thank" Blogger for locking my block for a good week and a half so that I couldn't post. Apparently mentioning Obama qualifies as spam to their bots.
I'll post again when I have something interesting to say. Just wanted to whine in my blog about the outage.
I'll post again when I have something interesting to say. Just wanted to whine in my blog about the outage.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
An Open Letter to Obama
This is from one of the teeming American people, underrepresented, who came out in droves to elect you. You're the first presidential candidate who won with my vote. My first experience with elections was voting for a candidate who won the popular vote, but was not elected president. I have watched with scorn and contempt these past 8 years as concepts such as habeas corpus, civil rights, separation between church and state, foreign policy negotiations, and peace were summarily ignored by the ruling elite. I have watched the presidency turn from a position that should carry some sort of dignity into something that other countries mock alongside us. I have watched the decline of America.
All this sounds grim, and it was. I say was because honestly, until yesterday, I didn't realize there was another way for the world to be. It's only the renewed spirit that is permeating the air that causes me to realize what a prison we had put ourselves in. You ran on a campain of hope for the future, and when I look around me now I see that hope in the air, in the joy in others, the open way that people are speaking to each other. You have brought hope, at least to a blue state.
I hope this carries over to conservatives, gives them something to rally behind besides what has become the status quo. I hope they can see you as a man of faith who does not act to exclude, but to embrace different ideas and creeds in the hope that together we can forge lasting bonds and a stronger nation. We need each other for balance, and to exclude one side is to risk an uncontrolled spiral, a descent into darkness. Moderation is key in all things.
History has a way of making idealists into martyrs, though, and I worry. Maybe it seems silly for someone who doesn't know you personally to care, but I see your family up there with you and I worry that they won't see you at their graduations, at their weddings, in the same way that JFK was not there, MLK, Jr. was not there. History has taught us to fear the lone gunman, yet there are more guns in this country than college graduates.
Perhaps this letter has gone on too long, but it is a time of change, of uncertainty, and that cannot be summed up into short sentences. But it is also a time of hope. Thank you for that.
Wishing you the best,
LH
All this sounds grim, and it was. I say was because honestly, until yesterday, I didn't realize there was another way for the world to be. It's only the renewed spirit that is permeating the air that causes me to realize what a prison we had put ourselves in. You ran on a campain of hope for the future, and when I look around me now I see that hope in the air, in the joy in others, the open way that people are speaking to each other. You have brought hope, at least to a blue state.
I hope this carries over to conservatives, gives them something to rally behind besides what has become the status quo. I hope they can see you as a man of faith who does not act to exclude, but to embrace different ideas and creeds in the hope that together we can forge lasting bonds and a stronger nation. We need each other for balance, and to exclude one side is to risk an uncontrolled spiral, a descent into darkness. Moderation is key in all things.
History has a way of making idealists into martyrs, though, and I worry. Maybe it seems silly for someone who doesn't know you personally to care, but I see your family up there with you and I worry that they won't see you at their graduations, at their weddings, in the same way that JFK was not there, MLK, Jr. was not there. History has taught us to fear the lone gunman, yet there are more guns in this country than college graduates.
Perhaps this letter has gone on too long, but it is a time of change, of uncertainty, and that cannot be summed up into short sentences. But it is also a time of hope. Thank you for that.
Wishing you the best,
LH
Monday, October 13, 2008
Education vs Political leanings
A friend sent me some interesting articles written by conservatives decrying the Republican shift...not away from traditional values, or free economy, but towards the undiversified undereducated masses. It's interesting to think of that as a conservative Republican crises; after all, much of their party is the traditional, bootstrap, free economy do it for yourself mentality and I can see that leaving a lot of people behind. What's interesting to me is the idea of an educated Republican mindset, a responsible mindset who uses well-reasoned facts to govern instead of just traditional values...remember, the first president I remember was Reagan and the first was I knew was the Cold War. Republican values haven't represented reasoned, rational interests to me in quite some time.
One of the editorials mentioned the liberal bias in colleges, which caused me to rethink that idea. Until now, I had figured that liberalness came as a product of being educated - that you would be more open-minded and willing to cultivate diversity and less traditional mindsets. It's caused me to rethink this - it's true in a way...Conservatives are more likely to go for the self-made person approach and spend their time in corporations where their own ingenuity is rewarded rather than an institution where they are rewarded by the growth of others. Liberals most of the time have an idea of giving back and enriching the individual, while Conservatives tend to put those impulses into caretaking - feeding the poor and homeless through church initiatives, donations, etc. Therefore a college campus and teaching would have a broader appeal to liberal minds than conservatives.
I think for me it has come down more to depth of perception of the individual. It turns me off to hear a factoid rattled off by some talking head who equates the zeal they support the idea with to the facts of the debate. I can't say that liberals or conservatives have the edge on this front (Sean Penn comes to mind) but I can truly say that a well-reasoned person probably comes closer to moderation than any other leaning, and I wouldn't mind having four years of that...or eight...or twelve, rather than electing someone based on how well they can quote sound bytes that put me at ease with them.
One of the editorials mentioned the liberal bias in colleges, which caused me to rethink that idea. Until now, I had figured that liberalness came as a product of being educated - that you would be more open-minded and willing to cultivate diversity and less traditional mindsets. It's caused me to rethink this - it's true in a way...Conservatives are more likely to go for the self-made person approach and spend their time in corporations where their own ingenuity is rewarded rather than an institution where they are rewarded by the growth of others. Liberals most of the time have an idea of giving back and enriching the individual, while Conservatives tend to put those impulses into caretaking - feeding the poor and homeless through church initiatives, donations, etc. Therefore a college campus and teaching would have a broader appeal to liberal minds than conservatives.
I think for me it has come down more to depth of perception of the individual. It turns me off to hear a factoid rattled off by some talking head who equates the zeal they support the idea with to the facts of the debate. I can't say that liberals or conservatives have the edge on this front (Sean Penn comes to mind) but I can truly say that a well-reasoned person probably comes closer to moderation than any other leaning, and I wouldn't mind having four years of that...or eight...or twelve, rather than electing someone based on how well they can quote sound bytes that put me at ease with them.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Politics
I don't need to remind any American what day it is. Too many posts are spent looking back...I choose to spend this one looking at the state of things right now. Wow. I've been reading the news, and the comments below the news, and it always seems to make me want to blog. I mean really, are we as a people so divided on basic facts (evolution as a science, abstinence education, Iraq as a war from God!!) that we cannot sit down and discuss what should be ideas with a basic sense of humanity? It seems to me like the more political spin gets put on things, the less it becomes about what our leader will do and more about who they are, what they're wearing, how they're going to uphold our deeply held values.
Honestly, I want the government to stay the hell away from my deeply held values. Less government. There, I said it, and now I sound like a libertarian, but it's true. Bureaucracy is known for how deeply they can screw things up - why do I want more government laws? They're not passed in my best interests (hello exonoration of the phone companies who did the phone taps, hello Patriot Act, hello TSA and their incompetence) so why even waste the money?
If government were truly acting in our best interest and upholding Christian values or whatever the hell they call it, they'd stop legislating and start doing. Make it a part of being a congressman to get out there and do public service. Volunteer for soup kitchens, build houses, work in a medicaid office. Those are the public servants and they work damn hard with what little budgets they get.
I am a realist. I don't knock people who have religion - faith is a beautiful thing. But that's not the realm of government, and never should be. After all, most Christians would detest having a government-sponsored religion such as England, where the ruling monarch is the head of the church. Why would you even have the hubris to assume that you know what God wants in our government? Why is God in the government so important to the basic population of America, such to the point that the Republican party is now the Faith party? It doesn't make sense to me. Is this still the conservative backlash for the liberalism of the 70s?
This post probably doesn't make sense - I'm tired, and all this is touching on a very complicated topic: why people base their choices only on themselves. It's one thing to use yourself as a reference point, but has American individualism come to such a point where the "other" guy is no longer even of any importance? If so, I can see it coming from our culture quite clearly, but is there any way to use this "moral" streak the Republicans have capitalized on to do something besides make a lot of corporations a lot of money? Face it, that's what they're doing. Feeding America the bible on one hand and lining pockets with the other. But have we become too selfish to see that as a bad thing?
Honestly, I want the government to stay the hell away from my deeply held values. Less government. There, I said it, and now I sound like a libertarian, but it's true. Bureaucracy is known for how deeply they can screw things up - why do I want more government laws? They're not passed in my best interests (hello exonoration of the phone companies who did the phone taps, hello Patriot Act, hello TSA and their incompetence) so why even waste the money?
If government were truly acting in our best interest and upholding Christian values or whatever the hell they call it, they'd stop legislating and start doing. Make it a part of being a congressman to get out there and do public service. Volunteer for soup kitchens, build houses, work in a medicaid office. Those are the public servants and they work damn hard with what little budgets they get.
I am a realist. I don't knock people who have religion - faith is a beautiful thing. But that's not the realm of government, and never should be. After all, most Christians would detest having a government-sponsored religion such as England, where the ruling monarch is the head of the church. Why would you even have the hubris to assume that you know what God wants in our government? Why is God in the government so important to the basic population of America, such to the point that the Republican party is now the Faith party? It doesn't make sense to me. Is this still the conservative backlash for the liberalism of the 70s?
This post probably doesn't make sense - I'm tired, and all this is touching on a very complicated topic: why people base their choices only on themselves. It's one thing to use yourself as a reference point, but has American individualism come to such a point where the "other" guy is no longer even of any importance? If so, I can see it coming from our culture quite clearly, but is there any way to use this "moral" streak the Republicans have capitalized on to do something besides make a lot of corporations a lot of money? Face it, that's what they're doing. Feeding America the bible on one hand and lining pockets with the other. But have we become too selfish to see that as a bad thing?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Naievte
I'm not sure if there's a place in the world for people like me. It sounds so juvenile to say that statement, but the more I come across in life, the more it keeps me wondering that same thing every year I'm alive. I'm not very competitive, I'm cooperative. I don't like the idea of being afraid of things I don't know about and trying to legislate them away. I'm usually the first to admit that I'm not an expert on a subject but I'm very prideful of my intelligence (and yes, I looked prideful up to make sure I was using it properly...details are important to me.) I was just reading a few articles on Boing Boing about the Republican National Convention on how some of the "rioters" might have actually been hired by the police to instigate news opportunities and another post on an old comic that was done against homosexuality. It's not really the items that get me, it's more the people that defend it in the comments. Does it make me a hypocrite that I wish to beat down those beating down others?
I think it's probably because I'm moving on psychologically, developing into the next level of awareness. If I remember right from my classes, it's about now that you start developing a community membership, having developed your individuality in your teens and your support structure in your 20s. It's all very strange. I wish there was a myth for today, for how to grow and progress without all this worry. If all is true, then we are remaking the same world our fathers and grandfathers made and so the social dynamic isn't too terribly different. I don't believe our mindset is too different from the Renaissance at this point, except that in America the government isn't representative of God like Queen Elizabeth was thought to be. However, many people think that the President is there by God's will, so that doesn't make it too different.
Humanity has made it through those times. I don't suspect we will end ourselves with these. It does leave the question though - how far into the dark side will we get before we come back to lighter times?
I think it's probably because I'm moving on psychologically, developing into the next level of awareness. If I remember right from my classes, it's about now that you start developing a community membership, having developed your individuality in your teens and your support structure in your 20s. It's all very strange. I wish there was a myth for today, for how to grow and progress without all this worry. If all is true, then we are remaking the same world our fathers and grandfathers made and so the social dynamic isn't too terribly different. I don't believe our mindset is too different from the Renaissance at this point, except that in America the government isn't representative of God like Queen Elizabeth was thought to be. However, many people think that the President is there by God's will, so that doesn't make it too different.
Humanity has made it through those times. I don't suspect we will end ourselves with these. It does leave the question though - how far into the dark side will we get before we come back to lighter times?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Post Secret
For anyone who's had their head in hole for the past few years, Post Secret is a site where people send in postcards of the secrets that they can't tell to anyone else. It's supposed to be a liberating experience. I'm not sure - I don't really keep secrets. I have in the past, and they usually come back to haunt me, usually because I'm lying to cover them up. So while the site interests me, I've never had anything to send in. *cue dramatic music* Until now. *duh dun dunnh*
It's not exactly a secret. Everyone in my life - hell, anyone who's even read my last post - knows what's been going on in my life. The problem is that it's driving me into another depression; again, this isn't a secret. Depression changes who you are and it's not exactly like the people around you won't notice.
My secret is that it's driving me towards a nervous breakdown and that I'm fighting it as best I can. It's just hard to fight the enemy that is yourself, and with depression breaking down my defenses, it makes it that much more difficult. But I like my job, I don't want to give a bad impression and I certainly don't want to lose what I do have in my life. I've been trying to stay active - today was the first day I called in late to work and honestly it was one of those duh moments ("oh yeah, I sleep more when I'm depressed" - you'd think I'd remember by now) that I hope to avoid in the future. I will try to start making it to the gym and eating right, but I'm afraid what's going to drag me down is the emptiness. I need human interaction. But I am fighting the urge to contact him tooth and nail. It won't help, but it still hurts. Everyday.
At any rate, I should actually get to work. It's busy but not enough to keep my mind busy...gym is definitely necessary.
It's not exactly a secret. Everyone in my life - hell, anyone who's even read my last post - knows what's been going on in my life. The problem is that it's driving me into another depression; again, this isn't a secret. Depression changes who you are and it's not exactly like the people around you won't notice.
My secret is that it's driving me towards a nervous breakdown and that I'm fighting it as best I can. It's just hard to fight the enemy that is yourself, and with depression breaking down my defenses, it makes it that much more difficult. But I like my job, I don't want to give a bad impression and I certainly don't want to lose what I do have in my life. I've been trying to stay active - today was the first day I called in late to work and honestly it was one of those duh moments ("oh yeah, I sleep more when I'm depressed" - you'd think I'd remember by now) that I hope to avoid in the future. I will try to start making it to the gym and eating right, but I'm afraid what's going to drag me down is the emptiness. I need human interaction. But I am fighting the urge to contact him tooth and nail. It won't help, but it still hurts. Everyday.
At any rate, I should actually get to work. It's busy but not enough to keep my mind busy...gym is definitely necessary.
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