Saturday, April 21, 2007

Stream of consciousness

I would give all that I own for once to build up instead of break down.
I realize this isn't the way of the world, but it's hard for me to accept that my life will be spent moving from frustration to frustration, always dissatisfied.
I was stupid. What else is guaranteed in youth but stupidity and temerity? The weight of those years has always hung between us. Year by year, we have broken down more and more. Will you eventually look across a crowded room and meet my eyes, not realizing who I am? Will you let me haunt your thinking until you finally remember my name on the way home?
Could it really have been any different?
The biggest lie that every story ever told perpetuates is that of love.
"Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn turns down to day
Nothing Gold can Stay."
You can never see truly into someone else's mind. You can never know what they're thinking, when they're lying.
The sharpest edge lies on the truth. Lies are smooth, curved, promising. Truth is bloody and hurtful.
Everyone regrets something deep down. Mine will be my lack of control. Every time. Emotional, physical, mental. It all fails. Human, only human. Which one will be my downfall this time?
Fear is my biggest enemy, and the biggest part of my personality. When is enough? When is too little? It takes a lifetime to master...then you die, unable to pass that mastery on.
Foolish to think we are anything but transitory. But we touch the divine...and spend the rest of our lives unable to reach it again.
These words will never reach their intended. They will only reach the people they will least help.
I long for grace. I believe in things that aren't real. Religion is most people's delusion of choice, so I'm in good company.
All this feels like rambling, and probably is. This is the real Fringes of Lunacy, where the absurd meets the inspired. Bring your towel and don't panic.

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