Stream of consciousness

I would give all that I own for once to build up instead of break down.
I realize this isn't the way of the world, but it's hard for me to accept that my life will be spent moving from frustration to frustration, always dissatisfied.
I was stupid. What else is guaranteed in youth but stupidity and temerity? The weight of those years has always hung between us. Year by year, we have broken down more and more. Will you eventually look across a crowded room and meet my eyes, not realizing who I am? Will you let me haunt your thinking until you finally remember my name on the way home?
Could it really have been any different?
The biggest lie that every story ever told perpetuates is that of love.
"Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn turns down to day
Nothing Gold can Stay."
You can never see truly into someone else's mind. You can never know what they're thinking, when they're lying.
The sharpest edge lies on the truth. Lies are smooth, curved, promising. Truth is bloody and hurtful.
Everyone regrets something deep down. Mine will be my lack of control. Every time. Emotional, physical, mental. It all fails. Human, only human. Which one will be my downfall this time?
Fear is my biggest enemy, and the biggest part of my personality. When is enough? When is too little? It takes a lifetime to master...then you die, unable to pass that mastery on.
Foolish to think we are anything but transitory. But we touch the divine...and spend the rest of our lives unable to reach it again.
These words will never reach their intended. They will only reach the people they will least help.
I long for grace. I believe in things that aren't real. Religion is most people's delusion of choice, so I'm in good company.
All this feels like rambling, and probably is. This is the real Fringes of Lunacy, where the absurd meets the inspired. Bring your towel and don't panic.

Thoughts about the Virginia Tech shooting

At the risk of going off and saying something half-cocked, I will write this post. Please forgive me if I am insensitive.

I worry about the notion that it's okay to kill other people, but I also question the wisdom of warning the entire population to be hypervigilant. Is it really right to tell everyone else to react more violently, more quickly because a few nuts with guns, or a few nuts with box cutters, kill others? Those people are less than a 1/100th of a percent of the entire US population, let alone the world population, and are responsible for their own actions. To tell everyone else to live in fear because there's a better chance of winning the lottery than to be shot in a shooting spree is ludicrous. It's precisely what our country doesn't need right now. We need togetherness and justice, not suspicion and prejudice. And when is it ever right to blame the victim by telling them "Cowering under a desk and waiting for help to come is no longer an option"(source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18174900/ )? Our citizens should not be prepared to live in warzone.

My biggest fear is that more of our rights will be taken away in the name of security. College campuses are still the biggest place for the free and open exchange of ideas. Please don't bolt down the doors and post the HSA at the entrances. When our country stifles the last bastion of cultural exchange, then we will truly be poor.

Money

I can't say that I'm poor, but for the first time in a long time, I simply don't make enough. I try my best to live within my means, but apparently with the gas prices the way they are, that means not having a car. I work too far away not to have a car, so I'm stuck. I have three jobs, and still I simply don't make enough money. Does any other American sense the desperate irony here? I am an educated individual, a Bachelor's Degree under my belt and enrolled in a Master's Degree, working three jobs, all of which pay less than twenty dollars an hour. Why? Because no one wants to hire someone who doesn't have less than two years experience in a field. Because no one will take a chance on intelligence over certification. It makes me angry in a way - since when do I need to have someone tell me what I am capable of? I can do anyone's job, given the time to learn and the resources. How many CEOs of multimillion dollar corporations can say that? Yet I cannot even get beyond a flunkie position being a no-name in one of those corporations...tell me this isn't age-based discrimination?
Anger at my potential being squashed. Anger that so many scheming, useless morons can hold jobs they are unqualified for, and more anger still at the system that supports those scheming, useless morons and makes them in charge. This isn't anger at my current employer. This is anger at the system, at being a cog in a machine, at making less in my current position than the dumbass technician who has to call five different people to figure out how to do his job.
All I want at this point is to be able to learn and work...I don't even want to be rich. I just want a job where I make enough to pay for gas and that's interesting enough that I want to go everyday. I'm sure there has to be one...or is that just my youth speaking?