Things have been better since I was put on medication. I'm pretty sure I'd be non-functional by now by the way that I feel now. Unfortunately, now I have reasons for it. My oldest friend Dr. Jones and I are in the middle of some strange power struggle, where on one hand he has his extraordinary busy life and living situation and on the other hand there is ...well, me. He's stopped answering his phone around some people, and to me that's just insulting. It would be different if he were to call back later, or answer sometimes around that person but not other times. Nope, a consistent shut out with no regard for my feelings or even my understanding.
I get the feeling I'm being lied to. Again. It's the worst feeling in the world to think that the person you trust the most doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. Things just aren't adding up though.
Bitterness is like wasp stings - it adds up until the entire skin is painful and you go into shock.
It makes me sad to know that it has come to this.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I don't write very much
If I wrote more often, perhaps maybe there would be an audience for this blog instead of me talking and ranting to myself. It's okay, though; I've been through a lot lately.
Depression is the mind-killer. I don't have depression where my life sucks and I think everything is worthless - I have the kind where my brain decides to throw a switch and stop producing chemicals I need. I stop sleeping well. Eventually this wears on me and I get irritable and anxious. This in turn wears away on the chemical production in my head - just like sleep deprivation - and I start to withdraw. I'm not the most outgoing person to begin with, but I am friendly...until I get depressed. Then I don't want to talk to anyone. Work is hard to get to on time. Every responsibility drags down on me until I feel like the only things I can manage are going to work and breathing. I stop eating properly. I don't do my homework.
I'm sure this list is boring to everyone else, but this is what you would get if I was blogging for the past three months. I go to a doctor tomorrow, but I don't expect a miracle cure. I've been on four different medications, each one cruel and worse than the depression. I don't think we should mess with our brain's chemicals lightly - but at this point I have to go if for no other reason because I cannot make decisions right now and people close to me think I should go.
At any rate, I wish all of my nonexistant readers well. May you never go through this.
Depression is the mind-killer. I don't have depression where my life sucks and I think everything is worthless - I have the kind where my brain decides to throw a switch and stop producing chemicals I need. I stop sleeping well. Eventually this wears on me and I get irritable and anxious. This in turn wears away on the chemical production in my head - just like sleep deprivation - and I start to withdraw. I'm not the most outgoing person to begin with, but I am friendly...until I get depressed. Then I don't want to talk to anyone. Work is hard to get to on time. Every responsibility drags down on me until I feel like the only things I can manage are going to work and breathing. I stop eating properly. I don't do my homework.
I'm sure this list is boring to everyone else, but this is what you would get if I was blogging for the past three months. I go to a doctor tomorrow, but I don't expect a miracle cure. I've been on four different medications, each one cruel and worse than the depression. I don't think we should mess with our brain's chemicals lightly - but at this point I have to go if for no other reason because I cannot make decisions right now and people close to me think I should go.
At any rate, I wish all of my nonexistant readers well. May you never go through this.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Political rant
Holy shit...I just got done reading an article about something that Bill Clinton said - the way they spun it, you'd think he was tearing the heads off of reporters - and the comments underneath were outrageous. I mean, are we actually allowing people who make comments about "Bill needs to stop lying hurr hurr" to vote for President? I can't relay to you the depth of things that didn't matter that were being brought up on the messages below; Obama playing the "race" card, Bill being president again; entitlement, lying - I mean, this list is even more coherent than the actual comments were. I think the thing that really got me was that some loser posted a comment to the effect of "I'm starting to see what the Republicans were talking about...I'm voting Republican"
BLACK AND WHITE ARE NOT THE ONLY COLORS, PEOPLE!
Just because one party points out a valid fault doesn't mean that they're right about everything else. Yes, Republicans have a lot of good ideas - if they didn't, there wouldn't be a Republican party because no one would vote Republican. You don't see anyone from NAMBLA running for President and getting votes, do you?
America has got to get over the duality - we need a third party. Bring back the Whigs! Put some Torries in our government. Give people a different perspective. Too bad Nader can't get a real campaign going...I mean, like mainstream.
The other thing that bothered me about the comments of our nation's voters was just how much they brought up the Clinton's "lying liarly lies" as if the current administration was any different. Hello? War crimes? Our entire Presidential Cabinet could be brought up on war crime tribunals in the Hague if any other country really had the guts to prosecute. It's like GW is a nonentity to everyone - NO! You fuckers voted for him - you should be reaping the absolute humiliation of propagating genocide and corporate greed. It's your fucking fault...none of this bringing up Monica and Watergate - a white stain and a sham marriage is nothing compared to an endless war that is taking away any prosperity our economy has and slamming us into recession. Canada has a better currency than we do right now...WTF!? How do you sleep at night, America? Your off-base comments and five-second span of attention are symptoms of a deeper pathology...you don't care! You still have a home, and a big fucking gas guzzler of a car, and can dispose of anything you wish because it will be magically carted away - you're only going to wake up from your apathy when its too late, when the environment is ruined, when you're broke and desperate, when India and China have taken away all the professional jobs and America is left with an overeducated team of McDonald's workers.
All I ask is this; pay some goddamn attention to the real world. Not just the news, because the news lies. Look around you, watch how people operate, listen to the debates, listen to Al Jazeera, listen to everything AND THINK! The only thing that's constant in this world are people. Become a good judge of people and everything else will be easier. Pay attention to something other than what party lines are, who wore what, who prays to who. Stop being led around by your religion; it belongs in your heart, not prostituted out on the corner. Stop letting them do that to you, faithful people! The measure of a man is his actions, not a seat in a pew. Stop confusing morality and status.
The only thing that can be worse than this president is if you people vote in another quasi-religious nutjob who'll screw over the constitution and the country for a profit. Democrat or Republican. NO MORE APATHY!
BLACK AND WHITE ARE NOT THE ONLY COLORS, PEOPLE!
Just because one party points out a valid fault doesn't mean that they're right about everything else. Yes, Republicans have a lot of good ideas - if they didn't, there wouldn't be a Republican party because no one would vote Republican. You don't see anyone from NAMBLA running for President and getting votes, do you?
America has got to get over the duality - we need a third party. Bring back the Whigs! Put some Torries in our government. Give people a different perspective. Too bad Nader can't get a real campaign going...I mean, like mainstream.
The other thing that bothered me about the comments of our nation's voters was just how much they brought up the Clinton's "lying liarly lies" as if the current administration was any different. Hello? War crimes? Our entire Presidential Cabinet could be brought up on war crime tribunals in the Hague if any other country really had the guts to prosecute. It's like GW is a nonentity to everyone - NO! You fuckers voted for him - you should be reaping the absolute humiliation of propagating genocide and corporate greed. It's your fucking fault...none of this bringing up Monica and Watergate - a white stain and a sham marriage is nothing compared to an endless war that is taking away any prosperity our economy has and slamming us into recession. Canada has a better currency than we do right now...WTF!? How do you sleep at night, America? Your off-base comments and five-second span of attention are symptoms of a deeper pathology...you don't care! You still have a home, and a big fucking gas guzzler of a car, and can dispose of anything you wish because it will be magically carted away - you're only going to wake up from your apathy when its too late, when the environment is ruined, when you're broke and desperate, when India and China have taken away all the professional jobs and America is left with an overeducated team of McDonald's workers.
All I ask is this; pay some goddamn attention to the real world. Not just the news, because the news lies. Look around you, watch how people operate, listen to the debates, listen to Al Jazeera, listen to everything AND THINK! The only thing that's constant in this world are people. Become a good judge of people and everything else will be easier. Pay attention to something other than what party lines are, who wore what, who prays to who. Stop being led around by your religion; it belongs in your heart, not prostituted out on the corner. Stop letting them do that to you, faithful people! The measure of a man is his actions, not a seat in a pew. Stop confusing morality and status.
The only thing that can be worse than this president is if you people vote in another quasi-religious nutjob who'll screw over the constitution and the country for a profit. Democrat or Republican. NO MORE APATHY!
Friday, December 7, 2007
Make it stop!
2007 has been a hell of a year, if I say so myself. I've been to the doctor more this year than I believe in all previous years put together. It's funny how when your health is gone it becomes the focus of your life. I understand older people now and why they tell you about their sicknesses when you talk to them. It's because it becomes so fucking important...I mean, what's more pressing than the fact that your life, the very existence you live and breathe, is not so permanent anymore?
It's caused me to have a new perspective - my body and I are no longer the same thing. I don't think a "soul" or consciousness can exist without the body and vice-versa, but they are no longer the same object. I burned my hand pretty badly at Thanksgiving and it was literally an experience of "What did I just do?" rather than "Ow, I burned myself." It's like playing an instrument; my body is now a tool of my expression rather than the sum of my being.
I'm sure all this sounds crazy. Hell, it doesn't make a great deal of sense to me, either. I just know that after being sick for months, it has divorced me from thinking that I am this matter, these carbon-based cells.
On a side note, I discovered the blog Violent Acres (http://www.violentacres.com/) about a month ago and read through her posts. It made me realize that a lot of my life has been very sheltered. It fascinates me to read about someone who has had such a different experience. I don't always agree with her, but her posts are entertaining, thought-provoking, and honest. She has a lot of personal demons, and I respect the hell out of someone who isn't afraid to admit to them and, most of all, doesn't care what you think.
Wouldn't that be refreshing to really not care what others think about you? I have only journeyed down this road a bit; I'm the oddball at work, the person who gets the job done but doesn't hang out with too many people outside of the job...but I get stuck on the little things, like trying to be helpful to people I know are assholes, and watching the noise level as not to disrupt the neighbors. Maybe these things are good and maybe you wish your neighbors would shut the hell up from time to time (I do!), but I think at the same time life might just be more rewarding if, when you decided to sing Shakira at the top of your lungs despite the fact that your neighbor's window is right there like mine is, you didn't have to stop and think about the consequences.
It's caused me to have a new perspective - my body and I are no longer the same thing. I don't think a "soul" or consciousness can exist without the body and vice-versa, but they are no longer the same object. I burned my hand pretty badly at Thanksgiving and it was literally an experience of "What did I just do?" rather than "Ow, I burned myself." It's like playing an instrument; my body is now a tool of my expression rather than the sum of my being.
I'm sure all this sounds crazy. Hell, it doesn't make a great deal of sense to me, either. I just know that after being sick for months, it has divorced me from thinking that I am this matter, these carbon-based cells.
On a side note, I discovered the blog Violent Acres (http://www.violentacres.com/) about a month ago and read through her posts. It made me realize that a lot of my life has been very sheltered. It fascinates me to read about someone who has had such a different experience. I don't always agree with her, but her posts are entertaining, thought-provoking, and honest. She has a lot of personal demons, and I respect the hell out of someone who isn't afraid to admit to them and, most of all, doesn't care what you think.
Wouldn't that be refreshing to really not care what others think about you? I have only journeyed down this road a bit; I'm the oddball at work, the person who gets the job done but doesn't hang out with too many people outside of the job...but I get stuck on the little things, like trying to be helpful to people I know are assholes, and watching the noise level as not to disrupt the neighbors. Maybe these things are good and maybe you wish your neighbors would shut the hell up from time to time (I do!), but I think at the same time life might just be more rewarding if, when you decided to sing Shakira at the top of your lungs despite the fact that your neighbor's window is right there like mine is, you didn't have to stop and think about the consequences.
Friday, August 17, 2007
The Face of the World
I've been away, or rather haven't been away from the entanglements and scheduling conflicts that keep me occupied most of these days. I've moved now; I have a room instead of a house. Less expensive, more boxes of stuff to store.
I just realized that public speaking no longer makes me shake physically. I guess if you do something enough, you eventually get used to it, even if it's something you never thought you'd embrace.
I've been writing more, which is good, but falling behind in my jobs. I now work at 4, count 'em 4, different places.
ITT Technical Institute - full time
Southern California School of Music - part time
UX - part time/contract work
The Princeton Review - on hiatus
What does this show you, friends and neighbors? It's never the fact that you can't get a job. It's how many of them you need before you can pay your bills. Let me stress again that I am single, no children, average student loan debt, average car payment. Is anyone listening in those hallowed halls of Congress? Or is that the point - let's make our citizens work themselves so much to make it that they no longer have time to participate in world events and we can run this country into the ground?
A friend tells me that the rhetoric Bush is spewing out now about Iran is exactly the same as what he said before we invaded Iraq. Please dear God let us know some peace for a time - no more war. Is it so selfish to want this? Will Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan really suffer so much without us? If so, who else can help? Surely if there is so much danger and distress in such a crucial part of the world, other countries would be willing to step in where we leave. Or perhaps we just don't want anyone else there due to the oil interests?
Tangled, tangled. My own life is so complicated. I can't imagine deciding the fate of a nation. It reminds me of the old Groucho Marx axiom - "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." I've heard the reverse is true of presidents - the only men who want the job are the men you don't want to have the job.
Just as an interesting fact - with the state of our country's homeland security today, the statements I've made can be counted as treason. Just an FYI.
I just realized that public speaking no longer makes me shake physically. I guess if you do something enough, you eventually get used to it, even if it's something you never thought you'd embrace.
I've been writing more, which is good, but falling behind in my jobs. I now work at 4, count 'em 4, different places.
ITT Technical Institute - full time
Southern California School of Music - part time
UX - part time/contract work
The Princeton Review - on hiatus
What does this show you, friends and neighbors? It's never the fact that you can't get a job. It's how many of them you need before you can pay your bills. Let me stress again that I am single, no children, average student loan debt, average car payment. Is anyone listening in those hallowed halls of Congress? Or is that the point - let's make our citizens work themselves so much to make it that they no longer have time to participate in world events and we can run this country into the ground?
A friend tells me that the rhetoric Bush is spewing out now about Iran is exactly the same as what he said before we invaded Iraq. Please dear God let us know some peace for a time - no more war. Is it so selfish to want this? Will Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan really suffer so much without us? If so, who else can help? Surely if there is so much danger and distress in such a crucial part of the world, other countries would be willing to step in where we leave. Or perhaps we just don't want anyone else there due to the oil interests?
Tangled, tangled. My own life is so complicated. I can't imagine deciding the fate of a nation. It reminds me of the old Groucho Marx axiom - "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." I've heard the reverse is true of presidents - the only men who want the job are the men you don't want to have the job.
Just as an interesting fact - with the state of our country's homeland security today, the statements I've made can be counted as treason. Just an FYI.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
In memorium - Martha Smith
I just received word that a dear coworker, Martha Smith, has passed on tonight. She was a spirited lady who I was lucky enough to spend time with, to enjoy her ironic humor, and to learn from her. She even indirectly helped me with my stories by telling me about her experiences riding the trains. She was a fellow Texan and someone who you walked away glad you had spoken to them.
I know she was suffering before she died, and I am glad that she is no longer in pain, but all the same there is a hole in my consciousness that will never be filled up with her jokes or stories again.
I miss her very deeply. She was a part of home here in California.
Memoria in aeterna, Memento mori, Memento vivere.
In requiem.
I know she was suffering before she died, and I am glad that she is no longer in pain, but all the same there is a hole in my consciousness that will never be filled up with her jokes or stories again.
I miss her very deeply. She was a part of home here in California.
Memoria in aeterna, Memento mori, Memento vivere.
In requiem.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Updates
It's been quite a crazy month, with my almost attendance of my father's wedding and a computer refresh for the school I work for. I'm tired and sore and miss summer vacation more than ever.
I will be moving in a month, keeping my record of the past seven years of never living in an apartment more than a year. It's hard and I hate it, but I never seem to be able to put down any real roots. Money is always an issue these days, hence the move. I know things could be a lot worse, but I still wish for a little less stress.
Nothing much to say. I've been too busy to write stories lately, so I'm out of practice. I don't know if Nightshade will ever get done - I'm not the same person I was when I started writing her story and it's hard for me to continue it.
Time is my generation's crisis. People can point to record wealth and standards of living, but what about having free time for yourself? Less and less of it, even for someone like me who is unmarried and has no children. Perhaps especially for someone like me...there are a lot of subsidies and tax breaks for children. It begins to look economically sound to have a dependent when you do your taxes yourself and see all the things you're missing out on.
Alas, I digress...Go out into the world and do your own thing, my imaginary audience, but ponder to yourself - are T. S. Eliot's words really true? Will there be time for all the works and days of hand? If there isn't, you're in trouble.
I will be moving in a month, keeping my record of the past seven years of never living in an apartment more than a year. It's hard and I hate it, but I never seem to be able to put down any real roots. Money is always an issue these days, hence the move. I know things could be a lot worse, but I still wish for a little less stress.
Nothing much to say. I've been too busy to write stories lately, so I'm out of practice. I don't know if Nightshade will ever get done - I'm not the same person I was when I started writing her story and it's hard for me to continue it.
Time is my generation's crisis. People can point to record wealth and standards of living, but what about having free time for yourself? Less and less of it, even for someone like me who is unmarried and has no children. Perhaps especially for someone like me...there are a lot of subsidies and tax breaks for children. It begins to look economically sound to have a dependent when you do your taxes yourself and see all the things you're missing out on.
Alas, I digress...Go out into the world and do your own thing, my imaginary audience, but ponder to yourself - are T. S. Eliot's words really true? Will there be time for all the works and days of hand? If there isn't, you're in trouble.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)